In this together! 

This is a blog i started on facebook to share our story.. the picture is me and my family and we get through the good and bad together.. grab a drink and snack, sit back and relax and we hope you take something from our journey.... 

Please do leave a comment if wish to, in the comment sections provided. 

Entry One

Around 8 years ago my wife and i decided to start a family.. being a lesbian couple we decided to attempt this through sperm donation and we got in touch with a danish agency and after many nights sifting through the donars and picking one that matched us both in personality, appearance and intelligence .. this was an exciting time. But then UPS gives a knock on the door and to deliver the sperm you ordered, is kind of serial, not something i thought i would ever be doing.. taking receipt of a delivery of sperm.. Well for us this process sadly was not effective. My wife (cas) then opened the conversation regarding adoption. At this point i was unsure but i knew having a family was important to my wife. So we made an enquiry.. some paperwork was sent out... but it went no further. This was the point i was not ready for, i could see the process was incredibly intrusive, i was not ready..

Entry Four

Entry Five 

life has been a little hectic . But with the school holidays now here, we have fallen into a new routine.. which for our little man is initially a challenge, as his routine has changed but his mummies has not.. as they are still heading out to work..but we are now all of work and school for 2 weeks.. so it is becoming less stressful for him...

Induction week continued.. a learning curve for us all.. we spent more time with him as the week went on. Playing with him and although he had a great imagination his play was very rigid and not age appropriate.. the play was very much a few years behind, as sad as this was, it also meant we got to teach him things in play and when you adopt you can miss out on firsts...but in someways although at a different level we have experienced these firsts...some pics from that first week ..spot the little red tractor, his foster carer informed when we left that first day that tractor did not leave his side ... we wonder if he new he was supposed to be with us..such a complex thing for us to understand let alone a toddler

Entry Six

The outfit you lay out for your child versus what he actually comes down stairs dressed in... this is what i want to wear mummy...

Mummy. We are going to see Jacob today at the park

Freddie. Yes, this is what i want to wear

got to love his individuality

Entry Nine

So another little break away from our little families timeline... our little man this week is staying with his nanny.. this has not been easy to achieve... for many children going to stay at the grandparents is super exciting and something they do not worry about..

For our little man yes he does get excited, but he worries . He has been with us for 5 years now, so you would think going to nannies and staying over should be easy.. sadly not the case...

We spent months building up to a sleepover at nannies... we stayed with him and allowed for him to lead this process.. then during his 2nd year with us, we where due at nannies for 2 nights and cas and i where going to go out for the day and leave him with nanny, to see how he managed and we would be close by if needed..but he surprised us and asked to stay for the 2 nights by himself.. while my beautiful wife had a little worry and a chat with him about his huge decision.. this mummy was online booking a hotel for 2 nights (close by of course).. lots of phone calls over that weekend but he achieved it... he then began to stay for the odd night regularly and although he still had his worries and sometimes mummies would come early to collect he was achieving something, some of his peers take for granted..

Then lock down hit and we where back to square one. Once we could we began to visit nanny again and have her stay with us.. then we attempted a sleepover.. but mummies had to drive the 2 hours back to collect him, he struggled to go to sleep and was awake most of the night... poor nanny and poor little man.. Then 3 months ago we tried another night at nannies and it did not go well, he struggled again... but this week he is currently on night 2 and although he is finding some of it hard. He has gone to sleep nicely and waking nicely in the morning... fingers crossed for one more night for him, but if he decides no then mummies will be there to collect him.

I can not express how proud of him we are right now and a massive thank you to nanny for giving him the time and opportunity a little picture of him on the train heading to nannies ....both mummies also wrote him individual cards to take with him for some reassurance.... xxx

Entry Twelve 

This morning and not even being 9 am has already provided its self with challenges. So here i am trying to understand.

Yesterdays post mentioned the sleep issues. At the foster carers, little man would scream himself to sleep.. The first week with his forever family, he appeared to settle with out screaming... We Knievel  thought he just needed to be home. We quickly discovered he was not settling, he was actually passing out due to exhaustion. We would find him sat up and sleeping in his cot..As he began to feel settled in the home... The middle of the night became challenging, he would scream and cry ..... we tried settling him, like a parent with a baby.. but this did not work. In the end we lay on the floor next to the cot with our hand through the bars showing comfort, with out touching him.. touch at this point appeared to increase his level of anxiety. You could see in his face how frightened he was.. it was awful as there was nothing we could about it.. we simply could not help him and provide reassurance like a parent should.

Laying on the floor night after night for hours at a time, did eventually achieve something. He soon learned the hand was not there to hurt him and he would hold it... i remember one particular night, i thought he was asleep .. as i went to remove my hand he held on tighter.. this provided me with mixed emotions. I felt happy and warm inside that he wanted to hold my hand, but i felt deeply saddened by the point that he was to frightened to fall asleep. Eventually the bedtime routine became such a challenge.. of which i am sure many parents can empathise with. I think though the difference here for our little man was, that he was truly frightened to close his eyes. We realised this not only because of bedtime being distressing for him, but also because in the day time he would not close or cover his eyes for anything.

It was truly heart breaking.

So as he grew bed times became more challenging. We spoke to many professionals and family/friends. The advice we kept getting was keep doing what your doing..

So i hear you ask what were we doing? We where doing our best, while living on the edge. Bedtimes where beyond hell for all. 4 hours it would eventually take for him to pass out.

We tried everything, calm routines, stories, cuddles etc... you name it we tried it.

We also tried ignoring the negative behaviour, but he was up the ante and things would escalate within seconds. Bedtime routine some days could start at 6 pm and by 11 pm he would of passed out through exhaustion . . Where ever in his room he was.. we would then need to get him into bed.

We kept him in his room and kept reiterating the routine, over and over again. It was exhausting and some nights he would then be awake at 2 am.. where he would wake the entire house LOUDLY.

Eventually when we where both mentally exhausted from it, we were finally heard and the paediatrician provided medication.

HOORAY i hear you say.. well we also said HOORAY, many times.. once again our evenings where ours we where able to relax and re group.

The listening from the paediatrician came about as she attended a multi disciplinary meeting when he was in year 1 at school, aged 5/6 .. how we managed the 2/3 years on that awful regime at bedtime, i do not know. I think at the meeting she realised more how awful things can be for him.. rather than just sounding like moaning parents when attending appointments with her.

Bedtimes are not always 100% perfect, but he is an 8 yr old .. we still have  2 am wakes up for one week a month.. but it is a lot more manageable and we are able to come up with ideas to help him through the 2 am wake up call... we introduced a baby bottle for 2 am.. when we went to bed we would put a bottle with milk in, next to his bed, with some instructions for when he woke. He initially woke us to go through the instructions.. bless him but after a few nights.. he would reach for the bottle.. have his milk and put on some stories and rest. Now we do not use stories or milk, now he tries to self sooth and rests quietly, he still lets us know he is awake..but that's OK.. he is doing amazingly . . He has gone from LOUD and unable to self sooth, to laying quietly and trying to self sooth....

Hats of to him, i can not even begin to imagine how scary it must be for him. Thanks for listening i now feel calmer and able to discuss this mornings problems with a grumpy 8 year old.

Entry Thirteen 

When our little man was at pre school or school, the holidays bank holidays or inset days could cause disruption and dis-regulation. As we now home school and attend a tutoring centre. Does the dis-regulation and disruption still occur, i hear you ask? Answer yes.

Due to work commitments and the tutoring centre,all days are kept the same following a timetable and taught by the same people. This way he knows what he is doing and who with...

So Tuesdays are currently taught by mummy.. Tuesdays are meal planning and cooking and human body.

So due to Monday being a bank holiday, i expected a level of disruption, due to the change in routine. As we home school, i hear you ask why could we of not kept Monday the same for him. Unfortunately this was not an option as i normally work Mondays, but the surgery was closed, so i was home. Which is a different variable and then he would of struggled. So yesterday i decided it would not be to taxing for him and it started of really well.. he showed a lot of enthusiasm.. i think i relaxed to quickly into that false sense of security . He got 3 out of 4 on his spellings (spelling test every Tuesday). Then we settled down at the table to look at the human body. My aim was to keep it as simple as possible. He wrote down at the top of the page skeleton and bones.

Then came the meltdown and other behaviours. He then left the home, and run off... thankfully we live in a village and he has said he would never leave the village when he runs... so we have an agreement that he goes to the same place... i gave him a few minutes then garlic and i went to the agreed place. We found a very sad little boy . We had a chat and cuddle and then we returned home. After this he had a great day. We achieved the skeleton and learning the names of the bones before lunch. Then watched a you tube video on the human bones. After lunch we played hangman using only the names of the bones, plus some extra words for his spellings next week... then he planned the family dinner and learnt how to make the bread crumbs stick to the fish.. using flour and eggs... he successfully coated the fish (with a little help) and peeled and chopped the veg and mashed the spuds.. dinner was yummy .. so after a difficult start he achieved his targets yesterday. And mummy earnt herself a glass of cider

Entry Fourteen 

Thank you to all those that read my blog, post and interact or have sent me individual private messages.. I am pleased to hear that people are reading the posts for many different reasons, from interest in following our journey, through to knowing that they are not alone when going through similar concerns... what ever your reasons. Thank you because this week we have had the biggest interaction with you lovely readers and it has defiantly spurred me along, especially as i know it is helping others to not feel alone and reach out.

Please do share the blog to those you know that may be going through something similar with their birth or adopted children... especially if you feel it may help them reach out.

So back to those early days and first weeks of little man being placed with us..

One morning he looked sad.. which for those who know this little man, he defiantly wears a smile a lot.. so we where immediately worried. At this point, even though he was 3 years of age, his language ability was very limited to. NO (shouted) with hand out in stop position in front of him and the word help.. So asking him what was wrong became a challenge. But then after refusing breakfast he stood there and simply vomited .. after which he looked terrified. we hugged him, laid him down on the sofa and provided lots of TLC. By the afternoon he had brightened up and was smiling again . We later discovered by more random vomiting, that this is a sign of anxiety for him. Some people do get physical symptoms associated with anxiety and this poor little man on top of his other problems also gets physical symptoms. The worst for him, was when cas and i where away attending a wedding and he stayed with nanny..but it was to much for him and he developed gastroenteritis symptoms due to his anxiety of being away from home and us

We know somethings that this little man has been through but obviously there are things we do not know. But what i do wonder is how bad where things for his anxiety to be this severe. it is heart breaking. Sadly while at school we did have days with these anxiety symptoms and today although not at school he will still display these symptoms when away  from us or worried about new things.

Entry Fifteen 

Thank you to everyone reading and interacting with this blog... xx

Entry Sixteen

So as you know little man is home schooled and attends a tutoring centre.. This term started of with a trip to the imperial war museum.. As he will be learning about world war 2 this term... so rather than a long post about harder times.. please have a look through at his work so far with tutoring centre and at home on world war 2.. and let's embrace how well he is doing with this topic.. this afternoon he researched some war time Britain food recipes and next week we will purchasing the ingredients and cooking them

Entry Seventeen 

As i sit here this morning with my coffee and considering the exchanges between little man and me this morning. I am thinking actually his attitude this morning is normal kid attitude. Although it is rude and annoying it actually shows a huge change. (The attitude lasted a few mins and is now back to his cheeky self)

During those early days the control of emotion especially when it came to feeling frustrated, scared or anger, was pretty much non-existent. Today there is still the struggle to control and understand emotion.

In the first few months of living with us, if he was being cuddled he would strangle. This was mainly at my poor wife cas . Other times he would punch out and again this was mainly directed at cas. At the time cas was the main carer. So it is probably due to that reason, because after that first 6 months cas returned to work full time and i became the full time carer and since then most behaviours have been directed at me, or centred around me..

Although his first Christmas he was sitting on the sofa next to my mum and he took a chunk out of her.. he would also pinch for no obvious reason.

We also experienced random screaming at high pitched levels. None of which when they occurred, could we understand the level of violence or outburst. During these times we remained calm at all times.

I remember one particular day. We took him to the garden centre to see the fish and lights in the floor. He seemed to be in ore of the lights and water . So we found a little trip there seemed to help him. He would walk around going ooo light, ooo water the entire time.

But this particular day we arrived home after the little trip out to see the lights and water. His mood immediately changed. We walked through the front door and there was this almighty scream from little man. We both looked at him and i can truly say i have never seen anyone look to frightened in my life.

We where both puzzled as we had no idea what was wrong or had happened between the car and the house.

This scream continued and if we approached him it would worsen and his hand would came out in front of him. This was a signal for us to back off. We went into the living room, leaving him in the hallway. We had eyes on at all times, as the door had glass pains. We stayed in the living room but anytime we looked at him, or moved he began screaming again, still looking frightened.

At this point we left the living room so we where not in his visual field. After a few minutes i decided to go and see if we could so anything. I could see that he was huddled in a corner next to the front door. When he saw me, he put his hand up once again. Telling me to stay away. He had been crying and still looked very frightened.

I wanted to help him so much but was clueless to know what had started this or how to help. Eventually after an hour or so of the same reactions from him. I found my self lying on the floor in the living room, making eye contact. He eventually copied me and soon i was able to move slowly towards the door, ensuring all the time i was low to the floor. Eventually the frightened look changed to worry and then before we new it, we where nose to nose through the glass pains. He then allowed for me to open the door and hold him tight... cas was also able to hold him tight .

To this day we have no idea what bought this about. But this was the first of many melt downs and to this day, although over this last week they have been rare, they still do occur if emotions are to difficult to understand

Entry Eighteen

Sleeping, most parents nightmare. How to get your child to sleep and how to keep them asleep.

In the beginning little man was 3 yrs old and still in a cot, he was very tiny for his age due to the effects of the trauma. We kept the same routine as he had in foster care for as long as possible. But then you have to adapt things to your own way of life and what fits in with your lifestyle.

Very quickly we learnt he was not self soothing and would not settle down to sleep, he would simply pass out through exhaustion. Whether this was sitting up or standing in his cot. My heart bleed for this little guy. . As he was still a toddler we where are aware of the afternoon nap required .. for mummies .. no seriously though, this never happened we would settle him down but he would remain awake, so in the end this hour became relaxation time (tv or books) ... bedtimes became increasingly more challenging. We developed so many routines and introduced so many things to help, but none of it worked. He would simply pass out through exhaustion. When we made the transition from cot to bed, he was found one evening sitting on the edge of the bed asleep....

We did stories, white noise, i laid on the floor next to his cot, and held his hand but none of this worked. As he got older it became more and more challenging. 4 hour battles commenced to even get him to stay in his bed. It was quite simply hell.. for him as well. You could see he was not being naughty, there was genuine fear in his face and if we did get him to sleep it would be short lived.

Again we tried every trick and tool known to man.

We where at a loss to what to do. How can you help someone sooth and settle when they are genuinely frightened? Answer you can't.. you just have to keep providing reassurance and love and hope that one day he feels safe enough to close his eyes.

He was so frightened of closing his eyes, that even in the day time playing hide and seek or anything that meant covering our eyes he would not do... also if one of us laid down on the sofa and closed our eyes for a few minutes he would become very distressed.

So here we are 5 yrs on nearly 6..i hear you ask are we still having the 4 hour battles. Answer no..but he is still frightened if closing his eyes and going to sleep.

Bedtime he is medicated 30 mins before we want him asleep, we have a lovely calming routine and some nights there are tears, other night none, but every night he remains anxious and still looks frightened.

For one week a month a wakes at around 2 am, it is great fun ... seriously though it is such a struggle for him, we have never told him off for waking so early. Instead we went out and bought some baby bottles and as we never knew when this week would happen, after the first night, we started taking up milk in the bottle when we went to bed and would leave it next to his bed. Then when he woke he could put on a auidable story and drink his milk through the bottle... hopefully helping him to soothe....

He does not always fall back to sleep but he remains quite in bed and resting .

So why am i talking about this now.. the other day he was having an emotionally hard day and we where looking at a book about feelings. When he asked what phobia meant. So i explained that is about having an intense fear with no rational reason for the fear. Like being afraid of heights but never fallen from a great height..

He said i have a phobia about sleeping . I explained that his fear was real and due to his trauma, but he then said to me every time i have to go to bed, i get a cold chill down mu spine.

I appreciate not wanting to go to bed as a child, but i can not imagine being that frightened of something that should provide a feeling of safety, warmth and comfort.. i mean most of us learn to love bed and cuddling and curling up under the duvet.. how incredibly sad to be robbed of this magical feeling. completely breaks me and i have tears writing this.

In-light of this information have mummy and mum sat back, no of course not. We have purchased a projector rainbow light.. it arrives Monday.. i will keep you updated with the success of the rainbow...

Next time your child refuses to go to bed, please promise me you will take the time and talk to them, find out why ..

Entry Nineteen 

Taking any child to the doctors can be a challenge.. it is a frightening time for these little people. A stranger is asking me lots of questions and all i now is that i feel poorly.. it is a confusing time. Then add in a fear of strangers, strange places, not liking people to touch you due to past traumas ... so as you can gather the GP service is not somewhere we frequent. Luckily mummy is able to manage most of the minor illnesses at home. But 4 days ago our little man needed to see the GP. All i can say is THANK HEAVEN for garlic.. he was amazing, he even gave our little man deep pressure when he needed plus an enormous amount of kisses.. our little man was terrified and this was clear to see, the GP was outstanding .. but he still would not look at her, he sat sideways on and when it came to her having to check his abdomen, he was so frightened. But Garlic was a life saver and i can not underestimate the effect this dog has on our little man, it is phenomenal. Garlic 4 days ago you were a little fluffy hero and i thank you so very much... xxx

Entry Twenty 

Today our little man had to face his demons head on . First psychotherapist appointment with him. Normally we do not tell him things until the day off the event, less time to process..but as he was not attending his place of learning, he wanted to know why... so we told him.. we are not sure we made the correct decision, as he had a bad night with nightmares... but he was amazing during the session.. garlic gave amazing support and at one point they both laid down on the floor together looking at each other... this empowered little man so much, that he than began to communicate with the therapist. Both cas and i were nervous, but we can not even to begin how frightening this was for him. But hats of to this amazing individual he did so well...

So we had to travel a couple of hours to the appointment and it was at the seaside so we had fish and chips for lunch and he had his heart set on an ice-cream, but due it being cold only 'mum' cas bush choice that option... he went for rock... after it was explained to him what it was... never had rock before, he loved it..but who does not like rock? ...

Most of us adults would not be able to manage his level of daily struggles and even and as parents we need to understand that also..

Entry Twenty One 

What a tough 3 days it has been for our little man. The therapy really took him out of his comfortable zone.. he has tried so hard to maintain his normal level of nuttiness.. but sadly sunday evening it all came to ahead. After a weekend of struggling to sleep, sunday night he barely slept, mummies also atruggled. 😴 Monday morning my beautiful wife up at 3am to go to work, then when time for little man and myself to get ready for the day he just could not manage his normal tasks, 😥. He was heading to his grandparents and me to work, but sadly this was not the end result. He was incredibly heightened, similar to when he first came to us. He was ready to explode and clearly needing the space to do this. I could not even get him to pour his cereal in a bowl.. it was a huge undertaking for him. So in the end mummy called into work and cancelled grandparents and stayed home with him. I helped him with his breakfast, to get dressed etc.. all the things he can normally do, but his mind was so jumbled and distracted he could not manage. We headed out for a short walk up a hill and back down again to home. He then settled a little and we played a game but this soon became to much... my wife managed to get out of work and get home earlier.. so i got little man to help me make lunch, something he loves doing. But this again finished in disaster for him. Mummy finished it off and we sat down all together.. then we booked a session for him at bounce place (sorry forgot the name 🤣).. mummy bounced with him for 15mins then he ran, climbed and bounced... coming out of there he was still incredibly heightened, struggled to focus . On went the headphones with a story and this seemed to help a little... he slept well last night, this morning slight struggle but managed his day at ELS.. his place of learning.. some time out needed and even when he got home he wanted quiet time.. it is going to be slow process but with lots of extra cuddles, he will get there.. imagine yourself as an 8yr old having to deal with this level of life..💔 heart breaking..pics from yesterday.. 💔 i took the pics because normally he loves his picture taken ans i thought it might bring a little smile 😥

So back to the begining and the still getting to know each other stage.
Socialisation with both adults and children was challenging, and we had to pre warn ⚠️ anyone before our arrival and while in attendance having to constant explain behaviours and apologise. It was exhausting and at times it felt it would be easier to remain home 🏡..but in the long term this would of only made matters worse.
I remember one particular lunch out with 2 of our fiends that are now his godparents, karen (bet you remember this) trying to show some kindness to little man and interact with him and she got head butted for her efforts ..we chuckle about it now, but it is horrifying really. Another time left him sat on the sofa with nanny and he bit and pinched her. These types of behaviours continued and we really could not understand why, as it was not occuring to him. But of course it was occuring because he was feeling overwhelmed and not safe. So he would retreat back to animal instincts to keep himself safe. It is awful to think that the closeness of another person would cause him to feel so threatened 😕.. revisiting this part of our journey together has made me look at the reasons for this behaviour and today another child rubbed against him and his reaction was to elbow them, rather than work out why they where so close. 😢 part of me wanted to hug him and hold him close to try and remove this pain and confusion for him, but i had to do the right thing and demonstrate to him that it is wrong to hit and 2 wrongs do not make a right.. you could tell in his face that he was frightened, kids have to learn how to react to things and i get that, but i worry for him that everytime he feels frightened the need to hurt someone will follow. I know with our live and guidance we will get there... of course he did get a hug 🫂....on the plus side we have moved on in leaps in and bounds when going out for food.. when we first started eating out with him, we spent most of the time removing him from the table and taking him outside for quite calm down time.. then coming back to the other person enjoying their meal for one 🤣 at a table for 3 😁.... we do laugh about those moments today, but now we can sit at a table and enjoy a meal, yes we are those parents with the kid with the headphones on with a story playing and at times a tablet or activity books, but they get us through... some days we have to eat very quickly as you can see little man is struggling but we are so hungry 🤣...but in a whole i can truly say i think we have actually acheived in the ability to eat out, especially in curry resturants 😁 and pubs 🤣

Suffering with loss 

When you suffer a loss, this can be incredibly hard to get over and other things that occur in life that cause a change can make you feel a loss once again, although you are not actually suffering a loss. 

Although he suffered neglect and abuse, being removed from that environment is still a loss, although the outcome is ultimately positive. As adults not directly involved with that environment it is difficult to comprehend how he might felt loss from a negative place, but he does. 

After the adoption I became the primary carer and although I worked I did so at night or evenings once he was in bed. My return to day time part work a year ago proved challenging for him, but we managed to get him the same day at tutoring centre as to what I worked. I was then able to be home the same days as he was. However this role saw me take on further studies in order to work within the role. On the completion of the studies I was offered full-time role in a position that would allow for me to utilize my new skills and develop further. 

This was a tough decision but we decided that I would do this and cas would become primary carer for the next year until he was in an appropriate school. It has not been an easy transition and to ensure I still have one day with him I work my full-time hours across the 4 days, which means I am with him for breakfast and bedtime story only  for 4 days. 

He has struggled with this and has become challenging with cas. We did not understand why he has become challenging. We thought perhaps it is just the change that has occured and have been riding the wave 🌊... However yesterday he was able to voice to cas that he feels he has lost me because I am working. 

Knowing this, this morning before I left he became challenging towards us both, in the moment I completely forgot what he had told cas and managed the situation differently to how I should have. I am writing this in reflection because I am now at work beating myself up mentally for not remembering he is actually grieving... 

We can not always get things right at the time, but I can somehow change my future responses before work and I can make it right today... 

A picture of my lovely family 

Transition struggles 

Transition for a lot of children with additional needs can be a tricky time. For us they appear to bring around a high level of Anxiety and dis-regulation. I thought i would discuss this as on Fridays we go the local pub with other people that live in our village. This is a pub that friends of ours run and Penfold knows very well. Also the people from the village he has got to know and is comfortable in their presence. However for the last month or so transition home from the pub has become quite a challenge. 

While at the pub he has his little routine, we get there earlier than the others and get him settled, we always sit in the same in place, he has screen time (a real treat for him), a packet of nuts which he loves and then a portion of chips a bit later. Always the same no changes. 

We always aim to keep things the same on our return home, but as i say recently this has become a real challenge. The Friday just gone by was the worst of them all. At the pub a lovely boy and on route we went through negotiable and non negotiable behaviours, which he gets to take full ownership off. (This was discussed with the therapist and it was agreed for him to also contribute to the negotiable and non negotiable behaviours). We had one non negotiable occur in the pub, and he had the  screen time removed for 10 minutes  as agreed and he accepted this. No dramas. 

On arrival home, as soon as we entered the home, he became incredibly rude and this quickly turned into dis-regulation. Initially it did not matter what we did or say he escalated his behaviour, which went on for some time and as a result i began to become impatient with the whole situation (no judgement please, i am human and when pushed and pushed and pushed i react).. My voice got as loud as his, although in my mind knew i was not helping , but i had also become dis-regulated and was on my knees, i had no idea how to help him, we had tried everything. 

In the end i and cas made the decision for me to take myself fully away from the situation, i left the home and took a walk up to our local church and sat there contemplating how i had reacted. After a while i became to frightened to return to the home, because i thought what if become that angry again and begin shouting that loudly again. But cas convinced me to return. He was asleep in bed when i returned and i felt so low and annoyed at myself, i was also feeling ashamed. 

I did not sleep well that night and the following morning when he came down stairs he walked straight up to me and gave me a massive cuddle.. i tell you, i hung on to that as tightly as i could and i instantly cried a lot.... The rest of the day it was lovely between us, but felt strange... i still felt desolate all day long. Yesterday we headed out for a hike and we had a good day... 

i am writing this hear because getting it out, helps but also for those of you going through the same thing, know although it feels lonely, you are not alone in this. A picture attached from the hike yesterday.